Just a little FYI. No one has said this to me (yet), but I’d like to head it off at the pass and give fair warning that there is something I never want anyone to say to me about my current pregnancy/new baby. I do not want to hear, “just think, if you hadn’t had those miscarriage experiences, you would never have had this baby!” (or variations thereof) I know some mothers take comfort in that line of thinking and I’ve heard people say that sort of thing about themselves more than once. I’m not saying it is a “wrong” way to think, what I’m saying is that if someone says that to me, what I’ll hear is: “I’m glad your other baby died.” So, please don’t say it.
We had another ultrasound today at 21 weeks (final one we plan to have this pregnancy). The doctor is pretty sure that new baby is a GIRL! This is quite shocking to me, because after having grown three boys already, I was pretty convinced that was my exclusive capability! However, that is another reason I wanted to give warning about my “peeve” comment, is because I NEVER want to hear anyone imply that, “see, it all worked out for the best in the end!” Or, “if you’d had him, you wouldn’t have had her!” Because, if you say that, what you are really saying is that it is somehow good/right/lucky/convenient/handy if a baby of the “wrong” gender dies. Is it okay when boys die when you already have boys? NO! So, don’t say it, please!
Additionally, technically speaking, logistically I actually COULD have had both Noah and this new baby both at full-term–they would have been 10 months apart and it would have been unlikely to have happened, but the timeframe is such that it actually could have been possible.
And, finally, I’m not actually holding this baby earthside yet, so we’re not quite sure how everything has worked out in the “end.”
As I’ve noted before, if I had to go back and start all over again without being able to change the outcome, I would still choose to have been pregnant with Noah and to have given birth to him like I did, rather than to have “spared” myself the pain and the knowledge. I’m also grateful that I was brave enough to try again and that (hopefully!), I will end up with a happy new little baby in January to show for this journey 🙂
That’s my public notice for the day!
It *never* occurred to me that this might actually be a comment that somebody would make! Jeez……
To me, this one kind of goes hand-in-hand with the “there was probably something wrong with the baby.” Oh, well, great then! Thank goodness s/he died?
That being said, after my own MC experience, I felt like I NEEDED my pregnancies to “overlap.” I did think I’d feel better to have a baby I “couldn’t have had” otherwise. I clearly remember telling my mom that I just couldn’t handle passing my due date without the comfort of another baby. Getting pregnant again so quickly was a comfort, but sometimes I think it was a distraction that hindered me in working through some emotions when I needed to. I’d never wish this baby away, but I feel he has nothing to do with the previous loss – I’d never wish any baby away.
Anyway, congrats on the most-likely-GIRL baby!!! As I tried to explain to family concerned about us “ruining the surprise,” I never cared which gender I was having, but boy oh boy is it fun and exciting to know as much as you can about that little person! 🙂
I think you’re right, Emilia. That is one of those unhelpful/not sensible things that comes up over and over again. Everyone’s feelings about m/c are different and I have noticed that a lot of mothers who have miscarried feel that way–“the baby I wouldn’t have had,” thinking–and so that is why I wanted to state up front that it *isn’t* how I feel!
And, yes, Mom, I’ve seen this kind of thing said over and over again and I just got a feeling that someone might say it to me too. Now, if they do, I can say, “I wrote a blog post about that, you should read it.” ;-D
I totally get that! I myself often think of that same issue w/ my own story of the loss of our first baby. I can’t quite wrap my brain around it, though, as the mother to these children, that I would’ve never had Calvin had I not lost Kieran 13 months earlier. So confusing. 😦
One of the very worst comments I heard after I loss was from my husband’s step-grandma. She was asking about the circumstances of our loss and we were explaining that babies born that early literally have no way to “breathe” b/c of lung immaturity, etc. We explained to her how, before our baby was actually birthed, we knew there was a very slim chance that *maybe* I’d be able to carry to 24 weeks on total bedrest so that’d she’d have a chance of survival. Her comment was something along the lines of, “Oh that would’ve been even worse! You wouldn’t have wanted to deal with caring for a severely handicapped child.” I was so dumb-founded that I didn’t even know what to say. She is not a woman who’s know for her tact, to say the least!!
I really love that you are openly dialoguing about your thoughts, Molly! And so exciting to be welcoming a baby girl!
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