Milestones and weirdnesses

Today, I am 12 weeks pregnant. I feel excited to reach this milestone, but also find that my sense of anxiety is palpably increasing the closer I get to the 14 week mark. I really feel like once I pass 15 weeks, I will be able to “relax” into this pregnancy a bit more completely, though I do not expect to ever experience a sense of complete ease with it. After I reached 10 weeks (and had a 10 week ultrasound), I realized that despite my emotional shields and my not getting out maternity clothes and my “if this baby is viable” and “if I’m still pregnant on X day,” I am completely “invested” in this pregnancy and will be devastated if something happens. Before 10 weeks, I was invested and attached and would have been really upset (obviously), but now that I’m at 12 weeks, I just feel really invested. While it isn’t 40 weeks, it is still a significant amount of time to have been pregnant—to be used to the idea, to have started thinking about possibilities, to have gotten pregnancy books back out to thumb through, to be showing a little, etc.  The baby feels real to me.

Where the weirdnesses come in is that I’m rapidly approaching the day (July 28th) where I will cross a boundary into, “I was pregnant at this time last year too.” That makes me feel really strange. And sad and also confused kind of—like, I’m still here??!! I keep thinking about Halloween last year and how I had my little belly in my Batman costume. And, now here I will be on Halloween this year, “still” pregnant (I hope!). I haven’t gotten as far as thinking about what it will be like to be pregnant in November again. I am really grateful that at least I will not be at the same point in pregnancy in Nov. as I was before.

I still think about Noah a LOT and about the experience of birthing him—while it doesn’t come to mind every hour any more the way it used to, I still think about it at least 5 times a day (the physical experience—not grief really, just the memory of what losing him was like). It has been 8 months now and I’m surprised at how present the memories still are in my mind (though, I shouldn’t be surprised because being pregnant is a logical “trigger” to bring those memories up!).

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