Just like there is a whole world of miscarriage out there, there is also a whole new world of PAL—pregnancy after loss. I am pregnant again and so far it is the slowest pregnancy in the history of the world. Even though I’m trying to stay positive and just enjoy/celebrate each day that I AM pregnant, I also feel like a “ticking time bomb” and like I am wondering when the bad news is going to come. I am kind of neurotic feeling and keep poking my breasts to see if they are tender (they are not very and that makes me nervous, though I can’t really remember having very tender breasts with any of my pregnancies, so it doesn’t really mean anything. It is just the only “symptom” I have to think about right now). And, I’ve already allowed myself to *click* forward a little—to things like being in a wedding in Sept. I’ve considered both possibilities—will this bridesmaid’s dress fit someone who is around 20 weeks pregnant AND, “think about how sad I will be if I end up wearing this dress with a flat tummy after all…”I know TONS of people who are pregnant now and also due in January. I have already thought about how hard it will be to watch all of them go on without me while I’m “out of the club” again—the “ugly stepsister” left behind at the ball! (more about this some other time—I have a draft blog post about this feeling that I’ve never posted).
Luckily, I have NO spotting whatsoever and I actually feel hopeful about things so far….with my second m/c I had spotting before I even had the positive test and I never got anywhere in my brain with that pregnancy as far as imagining the future, etc. This one feels like it has more “promise.” At least, so far.
Despite being previously somewhat philosophically opposed to overuse of ultrasound, I have been on the edge of my seat waiting until the earliest possible second to have an ultrasound with this baby. I feel like I HAVE to have something to go on. Some reason to feel hopeful, some indication that there is something there to attach to/connect with.
I had an appointment this morning and a tiny baby was visible via abdominal ultrasound with a beating heart! (we heard the heartbeat even!)
So, I feel like for today at least I can breath a small sigh of relief and keep on feeling hopeful. In general, I actually feel good about this pregnancy and like things will be okay.
When I told my lovely, kind friend about the pregnancy (she also recently experienced a miscarriage), she said:
“Let me hold my breath for you, so you don’t have to.
Let me be scared for you, so you can have peace.
Put it on me, so you can have the pregnancy and baby you need/want/deserve.”
Isn’t she great? 🙂
I feel BRAVE for daring to do this again. For opening myself up to this potential again. I hope I don’t look back and feel like I was foolish instead. For right now, I feel brave.