Embarrassment and Miscarriage?

I have been a regular visitor to a pregnancy and birth loss forum. A question was asked about whether other women feel embarrassment/humiliation about their miscarriages. My response was as follows:

I don’t know that I feel embarrassed necessarily, but I definitely feel “marked.” Not sure if that makes sense in print—but I feel like I’ve joined a “club” no one wants to join and I wear a club–membership “badge” when I walk into the room.

There are so many women in this same “club”—it is just mind-boggling to think of how many families go through childbearing loss (and it is kept as such private pain until you end up joining the “club” too—I felt like after my miscarriage, people kept showing me their membership cards, so to speak—people that I had no idea had had miscarriages).

It is not fun being the one people talk about in hushed tones or ask “how is she doing?” all the time (like the expectation is, “oh, she spontaneously combusted.” What am I supposed to do? I just keep going.)

I have only had one loss. I am semi-petrified to “try again” for fear that this is the beginning of a recurrent loss “legacy.”

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One response to “Embarrassment and Miscarriage?

  1. When I shared with my Grany this same feeling after I miscarried… she said, “Well, throw on a polk-a-dot hat, mismatched shoes and smoke like a chimney. That will really give them something to whisper about.” So, okay, it’s not the best advice, and she didn’t really mean it, but it reminded – like she always does – to not take others or myself so seriously. Just smile and get through it. Right now, I’m also trying to remind myself that people may not know what to say or do with me directly, for fear of making something worse.

    What a crazy, messed up situation it is to lose a baby.

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