As I have mentioned, I am a childbirth educator. I also have a tendency to be almost pathologically responsible and conscientious as well as very hard on myself in general. Since my miscarriage, I pushed back the start date of two of my scheduled classes and canceled one completely. This was hard for me to do because it is my business and I love the work and I want these women to have good classes, however, I obviously needed to do it then when I was physically recovering. So, today, one of my pushed back classes was supposed to start at 3:00. I felt like I was going to be able to do it. I got all ready and had all my stuff by the door ready to go, but I kept thinking “I don’t want to do this, I don’t want to do this.” Part of it is the same reason I don’t feel like reviewing “The Guide to Natural Childbirth” right now—my heart and soul aren’t really “in” the subject right now. I’m just not quite ready. I thought part of it was related to fear of sorts—the “before” and “after” thing I’ve identified with other things, however, I don’t think that is really it. I posted to Facebook that I was going to class and got a comment on admiring my “toughness.” This gave me pause—am I being “tough” or being “crazy”?? And, why be tough? Just because I CAN do something, doesn’t mean I have to. I knew I could still do the class and do it well–even with some spirit missing—and not like I would be emotionally or physically unable to handle it. I’m doing pretty good and I would have been fine in class, not a pile of sad jelly.
I got off the computer to finish getting ready to go to class and was thinking when I look back at this time in my life, what will I say “why” about? What did I push myself on, when I could have held the space and been gentle? I saw with perfect clarity that this was IT. This was a moment about which future me is shaking her head and saying, “oh, honey. why?!”
So, I called and pushed the start date for our classes back until Dec. 14th. I felt really strange after calling, as if I’d “wimped out.” I called my husband and was almost crying as well as totally trying to explain/justify why I pushed it back. Saying things like, “it hasn’t even been a month.” I almost felt I needed “permission” to give myself more time before getting back to birthwork. I still feel like I need to explain, that is why I’m posting here right now.
Even though I knew that I COULD do it, I also had the revelation that I don’t HAVE to do it and there’s a difference. These classes are MY small business and I am the boss—if I want to give myself a little more time off, it is totally okay. My heart and spirit for this work aren’t restored yet and I can give that a little more time to re-blossom.
I think future me is giving current me a hug right now though. And, she’s smiling.