I’ve had a sad couple of days lately for a variety of reasons and I have a lot of posts building in my head, but not enough time lately to share them. Read this quote today and really liked it: “Loss makes artists of us all as we weave new patterns in the fabric of our lives.” ~Greta W. Crosby. My good friend had a miscarriage this weekend and it just feels really unfair somehow—I know it isn’t a logical thought process, but I feel like “didn’t I learn enough from my own experiences to spare anyone else in our group from having to learn them too? Wasn’t my own sadness enough?” Of course, that isn’t really how life works and this isn’t about me at all. I don’t really remember having “it’s not fair” thoughts about Noah—more of thoughts like, “I guess it was my turn” and things like that—but with this I feel as if it’s just not fair. I also keep remembering all the “aftermath” thought processes and the semi-irrational thoughts and the self-blame and the general wondering and rehashing and the having to cross the dates off in the calendar (I’d written ahead until about 25 weeks and each day in my journal I’d have to cross out what I’d written–knowing that it had been written there in innocence, naivety, hope, and promise) and I am just feeling so sick that someone I know and care about has to do all that stuff too.
I read this poem yesterday and thought of her:
Our Baby
by Teri Stuckman
An empty space where life once stirred
My eyes were not yet seeing
Where once my heartbeat shared a tone
with a small and fragile being
So scarely formed yet still a life
A dream, a hope, a promise
Our plans were changed to now include
This new life thrust upon us
Then just as quickly as it came
Our dreams were gone away
The deepest pain I’ve ever felt
Our baby died today
With footprints left upon our hearts
She gently took her leave
We’re left with nothing but regret
And only time to grieve
there was no service to be held
No mourning time required
No songs of longing and despair
No words to be inspired
We’re simply told to bear the pain
‘It’s nature’s way’ they say
I can’t forget our baby moved
inside me yesterday
And with each word of sorrow
my teardrops fall like rain
The anger and resentment
are mixed with guilt and pain
I look to heaven for a sign
to help search out a course
Where love can teach acceptance
and eliminate remorse
My body will accept the truth
that now our baby’s gone
But in our hearts our Angel
everlastingly lives on!
